1.1 Greetings From Butchers Hill

Postcard 1: Greetings From Butchers Hill

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately, the script formatting we used did not transfer and everything went ‘flush left’, which made it very difficult to read. The ‘centering’ seems to mitigate that a little. The font colors and highlighting are visual cues we were trying out for direction.

E

Music Bed

Opening greeting:

STEVE

Hello, and welcome to the Steve and…

[BEAT]

LUCY

[RESIGNED]

…Lucy…

STEVE

…audio postcard.

This is chapter one, our inaugural effort! And we are so exited to bring Friends and Family news of our happy little household; the comings and goings; the events and doings; any noteworthy aspect that occurs within our realm! Right honey?

LUCY

[DEADPAN]

We’ll see.

STEVE

Ha-ha! Always the prickly pear! The surly Sally…

[WHAP]

[OFF-MIC]

Ow!

[CLEARS THROAT, AWKWARD LAUGH]

Anyway, first order of business is bringing everyone up to speed!

And we are excited to announce that Lucy has landed a very prestigious job working for a local industry! Lucy, why don’t you tell us a little about the company?

LUCY

[DETATCHED ENTHUSIAM- bored]

Well… it involves technology. And monitoring…

[BEAT]

…you know, people.

STEVE

Huh. In what way?

[BEAT]

LUCY

Mmm… all of them. We do random sweeps on phones and computers… we’re tapped into the community security cameras…

[HALF-BEAT]

We have our own devices that are fixed around the region… and we also have mobile units on law enforcement vehicles, officers… their children…

STEVE

Wow! You know… that really gives me a sense of security, knowing that we’re all being watched over like that. That way, nothing bad can happen, right?

LUCY

[MATTER OF FACT]

Sure.

STEVE

Ok! So… can you share with us what it is that you do there?

[BEAT]

LUCY

[AS IF SHE’S SAYING ‘IMPORT EXPORT’]

I’m in the marketing and design department.

STEVE

Fantastic. And the company?

LUCY

We’re the Standardized Industrial Network of Surveillance and Temporal Recon.

[TWO BEATS]

STEVE

Standardized Industrio…netwha

[BEAT]

Wait…

[HALF-BEAT]

Sinister?

LUCY

We generally just use SI.

[BEAT]

STEVE

Alright! And so… most of you know that we bought a house recently. It’s been a lot of work, but we are really happy with it.

LUCY

We are content. The “really” might be overkill. But… yes… there is potential. I like the yard; there’s a room for my workshop. The house is suitably far from the anomalous zones… it’s close to… work

STEVE

OooK– you guys can’t see this but she’s giving me a look. True– I still haven’t found a job, but I am looking. But to be honest, I have been taking advantage of the time off… to [tone shifts from cheery to anxious] [GULPS] you know… [CLEARS THROAT] recover a bit.

[BEAT]

Right! So, I’m sure that some of you are curious about our wonderful cats! Those capricious little bundles of fur and chaos.

LUCY

[DEADPAN]

And entropy.

STEVE

And entropy. The kitties are well… in fact, since we’ve moved, their spirits seem to have improved dramatically! They are the proverbial examples of fat and happy! Especially Mr Loaf. But the Old Man also has picked up an extra kick in his step; they really seem to have taken to this new environment. I think everyone remembers the Old Man had a setback a couple months ago… and his recovery was not progressing as well as hoped… in fact, we were really concerned what effect the new environment would have on him… but ever since the move, he’s looked better every day!

LUCY

True. I really thought we’d be able to cut the cat food budget in half, but… well, there he is.

[BEAT]

I will say that I do enjoy the way they prowl about the perimeter. They’re like little fuzzy sentries. Fuzzy… clawed sentries. Hmmm…

[BEAT]

But you’re right– while they were initially tentative about the new space, they appear to have settled right in and have embraced the change.

STEVE

Turn and face the strange!

LUCY

What.

STEVE

And the cats are loving it!

LUCY

^Hmm.

[1/8 BEAT]

They are looking… [INTROSPECTIVE]

shinier.

STEVE

So, the house is a two bedroom rancher with a finished basement; it has an attached garage, central air, and a portal to Hell. It also came with a shed, which was very helpful for extra storage. We have sooo much stuff!

LUCY

[MATTER OF FACT- DEADPAN]

We have too much shit.

STEVE

Ha ha! Lucy! Why don’t you tell all our friends about the studio you’ve discovered?

LUCY

Mmm…

[HALF-BEAT]

Ok. I am pretty happy about this. Last week I found a really nice place that practices combat yoga, very similar to the style that I used to teach. The instructor is a (roughly) thousand year-old hermit that studied under the ant-eye-Buddha; he’s battled dragons, and [FATE-ED] feted with saints.

[BEAT]

Wait… no, I think it was the other way around. Anyway, yes–cautiously optimistic.

STEVE

Umm…

[BEAT]

what’s an “ant-eye-Buddha”?

LUCY

After the Skism, Buddha was split into two entities; the Buddha, and the ant-eye-buddha. The [Skism occurred in…]

STEVE

Ok… never mind. Just… uh, try not to come home with anymore of those nasty bruises you used to get on your kharma. They were ugly.

[BEAT]

[LOW TONE]

And they smelled funny.

[WHAP]

STEVE

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

Alrighty then. So– we are in a new town, and… you know what? We haven’t even mentioned where we are!

Guys? We moved to Butchers Hill! Still in Colorado, of course… still on the front range, but a little bit further from Denver. We wanted to get closer to the mountains! Right honey?

LUCY

Further from the populace, yes.

STEVE

And we found this lovely little neighborhood where the houses are quaint, the shops are artisanal…

LUCY

And the people keep to themselves.

STEVE

This area has a little bit of history… it’s been a growing community since the mid 19th century… so you know it’s got some character!

There are just a bucket full of restaurants and boutiques that we want to try…

[BEAT]

Wannacrakah Lake is a couple miles north… and it looks like theres a path that runs the perimeter. That sounds like fun, right Lucy?

[HALF BEAT]

LUCY

No. It sounds like bugs and hay fever. And the potential of flooding.

STEVE

Now… I asked around, and that lake hasn’t flooded in three years. And that was during the centennial floods… so we shouldn’t have to worry about that anytime in the near future.

[BEAT]

Alright! As I mentioned one of the things we like about this area: so many unique restaurants and shops! So, where did we go for breakfast last Sunday?

LUCY

That was the R’lyeh [Ra-LYE-eh] Cafe

STEVE

And, if this is any indication of what we can expect from the area, color us impressed.

LUCY

I suppose the food was pretty good. I did like the aquarium they had in the lobby. So many tentacles.

STEVE

[QUEEZY]

Yeah…

[BEAT]

I got the Benedict Florentine. I know, I know… stay away from hollandaise, but I am such a sucker for buttery, creamy and rich!

LUCY

I really appreciated the variety of fresh ingredients they had for my omelet. It’s not often that one finds that quality, or even that strain of fungus… and the cheese was uniquely piquant.

STEVE

That was cheese?

LUCY

And the fried lung was exquisite.

STEVE

[HURP]

I thought that was bacon.

LUCY

I’d go back to the R’lyeh.

STEVE

No, it was… uh…it was good… but there are so many other places we want to try! A veritable embarrassment of riches!

LUCY

True. I wouldn’t mind giving the Vault a visit… and maybe the Lick Squid McPanic…

DOUBLE BEAT

STEVE

Right… so, what have we been up to lately, besides the move and the new job?

LUCY

[SLIGHTLY UNDER BREATH]

My new job.

STEVE

[STEPS ON THE LAST LINE]

What else do we want to share with our peeps?

LUCY

[OFF-MIC][FLAT DELIVERY]

Don’t ever say that again.

[HALF BEAT]

LUCY

Well… we could tell our listeners…

STEVE

Friends and Family…

LUCY

…a little about the move.

STEVE

Oh? Uh… Ok. Well, it went pretty smooth… we had Scott & Mike to help us. And Erin and Eva; thanks guys! We got everything into and back out of the truck in one day, so that was a relief. No one got hurt… no one took our things to Pismo Beach in an anomaly induced excursion…

[BEAT]

LUCY

How about the armoire?

STEVE

The what? The armroar? Ermrrer… the– []the up-right dresser?

LUCY

Yes. Why don’t we share about that?

STEVE

[EVASIVE]

Oh… um– not much to say about that… it’s, you know, down in the basement. We’ve got our Hibernal Solstice decorations in it. Some clothes, books…

LUCY

[ADDRESSING MIC] He wanted to put it in the spare bedroom. [SLIGHTLY MOCKING] ‘Won’t that look nice by the window]?’ [RETURN TO FLAT DELIVERY] So after Scott and Mike wrestle the thing into the house, they tried to negotiate the left-turn and right-jog through the hallway. As the wardrobe is 7 foot tall and 4 wide, it doesn’t corner too well. So, that chicane into the spare bedroom was a little challenging. And then… the [ENUCNIATES] armoire achieved a position in space from which it could not be extricated. So, that was fun. I thought we’d managed to create a real-world tribute to the Richard MacDuff Sofa-Problem.

[BEAT]

But dislodge it, we did, [UNDERBREATH] not without mild damage to the woodwork.

STEVE

[NON-COMMITAL SOUND THAT MIGHT BE A WHIMPER]

LUCY

All of that pales, however… truly wilts, in comparison with the manner in which we acquired… the great wooden beast. Can we share that with our listeners?

STEVE

[TIMIDLY, LIKE ADVENTUREKATEER PATRICK]

Freens n… freens n famly

[BEAT]

Umm… I’d rather not?

[BEAT]

LUCY

Mm… maybe another time. But, yes. All things considered, the move went well. I was very sad to lose the CanOpic jar…

STEVE

Oh yeah…

LUCY

…it was part of a set… and the contents are going to be very difficult to replace.

[BEAT]

But we’re here now, and things are settling in nicely.

[BEAT]

[AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT]

I am looking forward to putting my guns up.

STEVE

[NEWLY INVIGORATED]

Ah! I’m sure most of you are aware, but for those that aren’t, Lucy is a competitive skeet shooter. Skeet, of course, are the small, spiny flying marsupials that were engineered by Jacksin Labs back in the ’80s.

LUCY

With work and the move, and other… things… I haven’t been able to keep a steady schedule with my target practice. But I’ll be able to rectify that shortly; SI has an on-campus range.

STEVE

That’s fantastic, honey! I know that’s something you’ve been wanting to pick back up. Do you think you’ll return to competition?

[BEAT]

LUCY

I’ve thought about it.

[DOUBLE BEAT]

STEVE

Ok! That’s just great!

So! We mentioned the trails in the area; it’s an amazing network that wends its way all over town, and well into the open spaces.

I’ve done a little exploring in our time out here, and, quite frankly, the expanse is a little daunting! I almost got lost more than once. But most of the trails are well marked, and many of the intersections have maps.

LUCY

Those are nice features. Much better than [what we had back…]

STEVE

Except for the open spaces, where all the maps read “here be dragons.”

LUCY

What?

STEVE

I’m sure that’s only a joke.

LUCY

Hmm.

[BEAT]

STEVE

Funny thing, though.

[BEAT]

Well… you know I’ve been exploring about…

LUCY [DEADPAN]

You won’t shut up about it.

STEVE

And there are just some…

[BEAT]

…unique characteristics about the area.

LUCY

I thought that was what we liked about it.

STEVE

Um… yeah… but I mean… like…

[BEAT]

…have you noticed… that all the storm grates are barred?

[HALF-BEAT]

LUCY

That’s not uncommon. It’s to keep kids out.

STEVE

And the locks on the manhole covers? Same thing?

LUCY

Well… that does seem a bit excessive… but I guess they’re really serious about protecting the children around here. Or… protecting the sewer system. Kids are monsters.

STEVE

Ha ha! I know I was! Sure… That’s probably it.

LUCY

No– the thing around here that weirds me out? That cult church across town. What are they, the Church of the Locust? If I’d known how creepy they are, and how much they influence the traffic on the weekends, I don’t think I would’ve moved here.

STEVE

Lotus. I don’t think it’s a cult.

LUCY

Yes. Them…

[HALF-BEAT]

Do we know if they are beholden to the new gods or old?

[BEAT]

STEVE

Well… I’m not sure… but if I had to guess, I’d say new! The church is named after a flower!

LUCY

Hm.

[HALF BEAT]

Could be… but I don’t like them. The way they skulk about town; they’re like- pod people on parade. And the wi-fi around here always goes to hell on the weekends. Are you going to tell me that’s not their fault?

STEVE

I don’t think prayer works that way.

LUCY

Scoff if you like, but I don’t trust them. Any organization that accumulates people in such large numbers has got to use drugs, brainwashing, or some combination of the two.

STEVE

Or chocolate…

LUCY

That counts as a drug.

STEVE

Ok! So, alternative worship aside, we are just smitten with our new town. And there’s loads more to discover!

And, with that, we want to thank you guys for joining us on our first of what we hope will many…

LUCY

We?

STEVE

…more to come!

LUCY

More?

[FADE IN END MUSIC]

STEVE

I know that this is initially a oneway street… but it’s not a dead end! Ha ha–

[WHAP]

Ow.

So, um… hopefully, we’ll have an e-mail link for those of you who want to catch up with us from your side…

Anyway, please subscribe, and rate us on iTunes… and join us next month, where we’ll catch you up on what we’re doing, what’s going on… and maybe… even a little history of our new town!

LUCY

[OFF MIC, FLAT]

I’m not doing this again.

STEVE

[OFF MIC]

What?

END