S&L Postcard 5: Beat the Meetles
Music Bed
Opening greeting:
STEVE
Hello, and thanks for joining us on the Steve…
LUCY
and Lucy…
STEVE
…audio postcard.
So, once again, welcome to Butchers Hill…
LUCY
It’s been…
[HALF BEAT]
…an interesting
month.
STEVE
That’s right! You’ve had some excitement at work!
LUCY
You’ve had some work…
STEVE
[DOWNBEAT]
Yeah…
[BEAT]
LUCY
[MOLLIFYING]
And you’ve made some progress on your little history project…
STEVE
[MORE UP-BEAT]
Oh… I have, haven’t I?
[¼ BEAT]
And… we got the Old Man’s condition resolved!
[BEAT]
LUCY
The Shaman got the issue resolved. We took the Old
Man to the Shaman.
STEVE
Delegation of duty. Ultimately, the responsibility was ours,
therefore, we “did”.
[¼ BEAT]
So, turns out… it was an issue of digestion.
LUCY
[DISTRACTED]
The Shaman was an interesting character…
STEVE
Prior to moving here… to Butchers Hill, we lived in a much more
urban environment, and the Old Man was primarily an indoor cat.
Since arriving here, though, he’s been getting outside more
frequently, and seems to really enjoy the broadened horizons.
LUCY
[DISTRACTED]
Her office was really quite interesting.
STEVE
In addition to, or rather, by virtue of those broadened
horizons, his diet… um… expanded a little bit.
LUCY
[DISTRACTED]
I wonder if everything on the walls was functional.
[¼ BEAT]
STEVE
That is, the Old Man has become somewhat predatory. Wilding about,
as it were… and while everyone knows that souls are an excellent
source of the eidolic-glycerol that give animals that healthy, shiny
coat, there are some critters that are E-G intolerant. It’s rare,
but our Old Man seems to be one… of…
[BEAT]
So, the… um, the soul… is consumed…
[DISTRACTED BY LUCY’S DISTRACTEDNESS]
…but the, uh… the body doesn’t process it properly.
[HALF-BEAT]
Right hon?
LUCY
Mm?
[¼ BEAT]
Oh, right. The body tries to subsume the elements that the
congenital defect won’t process, and the product emits out the tear
ducts.
[DOUBLE BEAT]
STEVE
You seem… distracted.
LUCY
What? No… just… thinking…
[HALF-BEAT]
So, Steve… do you want to tell the Friends & Family about your
little excursion into the land of gainful employment?
STEVE
Ehh…
[BEAT]
Later?
LUCY
No… I think now.
[DOUBLE BEAT]
STEVE
Hmm.
[BEAT]
uh. So,
yeah. Ok– Mountain High Deliveries, they gave me a job driving a
truck.
[BEAT]
I started last Wednesday… and, uh…
[HALF-BEAT]
…things didn’t go especially well.
LUCY
Please elaborate… for Friends & Family.
[BEAT]
STEVE
So… first I forgot my wallet!
LUCY
[MOCK SINCERE]
That’s terrible!
STEVE
I know, right? On the first day! So, I was stressing about that.
I got the package and paperwork, and loaded the truck…
LUCY
Just one stop?
STEVE
Yeah… apparently it was something really important… or really
rare… or some kind of…
[¼ BEAT]
…yeah– I… I’m not sure. But they wanted it to go directly to
the destination. No deviations.
LUCY
Mmm.
STEVE
Anyway… I took a detour home to get my wallet… and that way was
backed up from a cattle spill. I found an alternate route. That was
backed up too. The third alternate wasn’t so bad. I got home; wallet
retrieved…
LUCY
[MOCK ENTHUSIASM, BREATHY]
So, disaster averted!
STEVE
Not… as such.
[BEAT]
Wait– are you…
[¼ BEAT]
Are you mocking me?
LUCY
Never…
[¼ BEAT]
STEVE
So, as you know, I wasn’t able to get back out on to the main road
because the cattle spill had spread… weird the way that responds to
tidal shifts, right? Anyway… I tried the back way…
LUCY
[SUGGESTIVE]
Oh. The back way…
[¼ BEAT]
STEVE
…but came upon…
[LUCY STIFLES A SNORT OFF-MIC]
…a slow moving truck.
It was very slow.
[BEAT]
So, naturally, I tried to find an alternate… alternate-alternate.
I rerouted, and… in the act of turning the truck about…
[BEAT]
…tagged a mailbox.
LUCY
[PERKILY INQUISITIVE]
Tagged?
STEVE
Tore it right off. Stumped it clean at the ground.
[BEAT]
Then I got lost and had to ask for directions.
LUCY
And…
STEVE
And nothing. That’s where the story ends.
LUCY
No– that’s where your employment ended.
[HALF-BEAT]
To get directions, he pulled into a gas station. When he came out,
the truck was no longer extant. At least to the degree that anyone
could track it down.
STEVE
Yeah… turns out there’s a reason they put up those no parking
signs.
LUCY
He parked the truck in a known and clearly marked anomaly funnel.
Truly… it’s remarkable that Steve made it out of the vehicle
intact.
STEVE
I lost a shoe.
[BEAT]
LUCY
So… what was the cargo?
STEVE
I don’t know… some kind of prototype.
[HALF-BEAT]
A… perpetual… lotion machine? Perpetual notion machine?
[BEAT]
LUCY
Well… you’ve got it bracketed; would you like to go in for the
kill?
STEVE
What?
LUCY
While a perpetual motion machine defies the laws of
conventional physics, it is infinitely more likely than any of the
two things you just suggested.
[BEAT]
STEVE
Can we talk about what’s happening at SI? That’s pretty
interesting!
LUCY
Mm.
[BEAT]
Well…
[¼ BEAT]
…our marketing department works closely with the Division of
Espionage…
of course, part of what we do is keeping tabs on what our competitors
are developing… and evaluating if what they’re doing is a
marketable option, or merely a feint.
[BEAT]
OMNYS [ominous], our primary rival, appears to have discovered a way
to catalog behavior on both a personal and societal level…
[BEAT]
…simultaneously.
STEVE
Oh my!
[BEAT]
Wait. What?
[DOUBLE BEAT]
LUCY
If OMNYS can establish behavioral patterns on individual levels,
and cross-reference them with the mean social trends, then they will
not only be able to predict where people will be, and what they will
do, and with whom they’ll do it…
[BEAT]
…but they will know it before we do!
[DOUBLE BEAT]
STEVE
But… you… SI has the symbiotic… kinetic[…
rye…]
LUCY
Don’t you understand? If they can predict the actions? Our
network is basically watching what they already know! That makes us
passive observers.
[HALF-BEAT]
We may have to initiate the self-destruct.
[BEAT]
STEVE
[WEAK]
What?
LUCY
I mean, after we establish that OMNYS actually has this
technology.
[DOUBLE BEAT]
STEVE
I…
…had McDougalls the other day.
LUCY
Oh… I wouldn’t worry about it.
[HALF-BEAT]
STEVE BREATHS A SIGH OF RELIEF
[BEAT]
LUCY
No… I mean, I wouldn’t worry about it. If you had fries,
you should definitely be concerned.
[HALF-BEAT]
Wait– I know. Wrap
yourself in blankets.
STEVE
Do you think it will help?
LUCY
¿The carpets and walls? Definitely.
[HALF-BEAT]
Oh… you know what? On second thought, maybe go outside.
STEVE
I don’t feel so good.
LUCY
Relax. The team is still working on it. Remember? It could… be
a corporate bluff.
[BEAT]
Why don’t you bring us up to date with your research on the history
of Butchers Hill?
STEVE
Oh?
[BEAT]
Oh!
[¼ BEAT]
[ATTITUDE RESTORED!]
So you know how there was a gap in time between Patterson’s Knob, and
when the town became Butchers Hill?
LUCY
I don’t think you’ve addressed that…
[BEAT]
STEVE
In fact… you did.
[HALF-BEAT]
You brought it up a while ago.
LUCY
Did I? Must not have been paying attention.
[DOUBLE BEAT]
STEVE
So, between 1895 and the 1930s, there’s a tremendous gulf in the
records. It seems, in fact, that this area was pretty much a ghost
town.
LUCY
Not uncommon amongst boomtowns, so I’m led to believe.
STEVE
That is so… however, this area was close enough to the growing
metropolis of Denver to be considered attractive, or so you’d think.
LUCY
Would I? I’m more
inclined away from population densities…
STEVE
As such, this would still suit you; it was far enough away from the
bustling hub to be considered quite rural, while close enough to be
within a days ride. Work with me here…
[HALF-BEAT]
…call it near Denver, but close to the mountains.
[BEAT]
Anyway! The point I was trying to make… is that, while territory
around the perimeter was blossoming… our little burg was the
sterile area… the barren zone… the…
LUCY
Fetid patch?
[BEAT]
STEVE
No one settled here.
[HALF-BEAT]
But no one knows why.
LUCY
Because it was fetid?
STEVE
No one kno… [hem & haw]… fine. It was fetid.
[BEAT]
Anyway, the point is, the area
stayed unpopulated, and that seems… curious?
[¼ BEAT]
I pretty much exhausted the
library’s book section… the Historical Society was even less
help… I tried the city council to see if they had anything, and
they referred me to the… uh, Historical Society…
[¼ BEAT]
As such, I returned to the
library, and asked them for help. They’re really nice there! I know
librarians get a bad reputation, but I found them so helpful!
Anyway, one of them led me down to the basement where they keep the
fiche files, and I did a deep-dive.
[BEAT]
And it seems… there have been some things that our chamber of
commerce may have been glossing over.
LUCY
Mm.
STEVE
I know! So, I dug up some newspaper reports… …out of
town papers, in fact… and Pattersons Knob [doesn’t
come up very often, but…]
LUCY
Wha[t’s your source?]
STEVE
The Cheyenne Eagle, May 1898. And Pattersons Knob doesn’t come up
very frequently… but when it does, the association is always…
[TRAILS OFF]
[BEAT]
LUCY
Yes? Word? Guilt by? American Automobile? The sixties
California pop band?
[¼ BEAT]
STEVE
Suspicious.
[HALF-BEAT]
I found one article… you’re not going to make me cite the byline,
are you?
LUCY
Proceed.
STEVE
This article… it’s just fascinating, really… and I just love
reading chronicles of the past… you know, the different styles and
sensibilities… the quaint [vocabulary
an expression of…]
LUCY
The article?
STEVE
Right! So, it goes on to report that in addition to the town’s
abandonment, the last twelve or so residents were never seen or heard
from again.
LUCY
Not unreasonable.
STEVE
Except for Patterson… and there’s the strong suggestion that he
came to a foul end.
[BEAT]
LUCY
Elaborate, please.
STEVE
Well… you know how I said that none of the other residents were
ever seen again? Patterson, uh… was.
[HALF-BEAT]
In the stables.
[HALF-BEAT]
LUCY
I fail to see how [that’s
suggestive…]
STEVE
And down the well.
LUCY
Oh. Alright then, I [can
certainly…]
STEVE
…and the saloon…
…specifically, in the, uh…
…cuspidor.
[DOUBLE BEAT]
LUCY
Are you [finished?]
STEVE
And in the brothel.
[HALF-BEAT]
Yep… that’s it.
[BEAT]
LUCY
Are you sure?
STEVE
Those were all I could… or, rather, all they could find.
LUCY
I’d ask who “they” were, but quite frankly, I don’t care. I
would, however, like to know how they could be certain that
the body parts all belonged to Patterson.
STEVE
The gold tooth in his jaw was pretty compelling evidence…
LUCY
Down the well, no doubt.
STEVE
No– that was in the cuspidor.
His upper torso was in the well…
[¼ BEAT]
…most of it, anyway, and the authorities were pretty sure it was
Patterson because the bones bore marks consistent with known
injuries.
[BEAT]
LUCY
Perhaps a little conflicting
with the altruistic self-sacrifice depicted in the mural at the
[heh–faced-us] Hephaestus.
STEVE
Another odd thing…
[¼ BEAT]
They also found markings on the bone consistent with… that… of
teeth?
[BEAT]
STEVE
But
what I found really
interesting was in this article from the Chicago Herald arguing for
better security in the almshouse, suggesting the need for separate
facilities to house the mad.
[¼ BEAT]
What?
Their
words.
LUCY
And that relates, how?
STEVE
The article cited one
particular attack on a nurse that left her disfigured and near
crippled… the… subject…
[BEAT]
[SFX: PAPERS SHUFFLE]
…wait… I have it here:
So, the patient was near
catatonic. He’d rock back and forth a little, and mumble, but he was
Mostly Harmless. And then the existential unravel occurred.
The patient hadn’t been eating
and was clearly wasting away. A nurse… Fletcher? Yes–
Fletcher… took a special interest in the man and tried to coax him
to take some food.
LUCY
A special interest was
required for the staff to keep a man alive?
STEVE
Late
19th
century conditions.
LUCY
Touché
STEVE
She
had applesauce. Everyone likes applesauce, right? She leaned in,
eyes large with concern,
like one of those Margaret
Keene [paintings… you
know, the ones with the anime…]
LUCY
Objection. Council is
leading with conjecture. Saccharine conjecture, at that.
[HALF-BEAT]
STEVE
Well… that’s just how I see
it.
[BEAT]
Anyway…
[OFF MIC,
SNIDE] Captain Buzz Kill
[SOFT
VOICE, TAPERING DOWN]
The nurse leaned towards him in
an effort to feed the patient. He grabbed her by the uniform. His
words were…
[THIS IS
DISPASSIONATE, BASED ON THE OBJECTION.]
“Your face… I need your
face.”
[BUT AS
THE DIALOGUE PROGRESSES, STEVE GETS FURTHER INTO CHARACTER]
“He’ll
find me… I need to hide; I need to hide…
GIVE ME YOUR FACE!”
[SFX: CHAIR KNOCKS OVER]
LUCY
[WAY
OFF MIC]
If
you ever…
do that
again…
[OFF
MIC]
I will wear your intestines as
garters…
[SFX: CHAIR RESTORED]
[BEAT]
[BACK ON
MIC]
…and have your liver
as a wallet.
[STEVE
SNIFFS, RECOVERS A BIT… MAYBE UNDERSTANDS THAT HE WAS A BIT
UNHINGED…]
STEVE
…and that’s what he was
screaming when he tried to peel the nurse’s face off with his jagged
fingernails.
[DOUBLE BEAT]
LUCY
Why… are you telling us this?
STEVE
Oh– the patient, one Cletus McGee?
[BEAT]
LUCY
[SOUNDS TIRED]
Yes?
STEVE
Well…
[BEAT]
He was one of the last known residents of Pattersons Knob; one
amongst the group that’s said to have witnessed Smyth’s demise.
[HALF-BEAT]
LUCY
That was the point of your story?
[HALF-BEAT]
STEVE
Oh! No– the point was…
[BEAT]
…what was the… oh! That… well…
[BEAT]
…the dates… coincide. That is… Pattersons Knob is thought to
have… disincorporated, such as it was, in 1895, and the Cletus
McGee incident occurred early1896…
[HALF-BEAT]
…and apparently… he kept going on… about…
[BEAT]
…the horror!
[¼ BEAT]
He probably meant the self-immolation of Patterson,
right?
[TRIPLE BEAT]
LUCY
I’m glad you had McDougalls.
STEVE
What?
LUCY
No– I’m joking. Mostly.
[BEAT]
[FLAT]
But really… take this blanket.
[SFX: BLANKET SHIFTING]
[HALF-BEAT]
I feel like we should visit the Shaman again.
STEVE
Why? What? Are the cats not well?
[BEAT]
LUCY
What?
[HALF-BEAT]
Well… the fat one seems to be generating shadow tentacles… but
it’s working for him. He can grab food off the counter without
having to jump up there. Anything that keeps their feet off where I
put my food works for me.
[BEAT]
But, no. I meant for my own purposes.
[¼ BEAT]
I suppose, out of courtesy, I should ask about the Old Man?
STEVE
Oh… thank you! It’s so nice that you care!
[IF YOU COULD HEAR EYES ROLL]
[BEAT]
So… funny thing… generally, souls without sin, as, one would
imagine, the sort of prey the Old Man would consume… cause clear
issue… it’s the tainted souls that would give the Old Man those
nasty tar-like emissions… what do you think he could have been
eating?
[BEAT]
LUCY
What? I don’t… know? Care? Pick one.
STEVE
So, we put the Old Man on a strict diet of Meetles, a pet food
formulated to facilitate the processing of ethereal-glycerol, and
keep the weepies and crusties out of the tear ducts. As their slogan
goes, ‘You can’t beat the Meetles!’
LUCY
Where’s she from?
[BEAT]
STEVE
What?
LUCY
The Shaman. She’s not from around here, clearly. I mean, a local
shaman would’ve tried to rub him with crystals and smoke him in a
rosemary infused sauna.
[BEAT]
STEVE
From Louisiana. The southern region, I think. Terrabonne Parish,
if I recall correctly…
[BEAT]
… specifically, upper [HOEmah] Houma… near Bayou Gauche. 1715
Jaffe Cake– Street.
Ha. Jaffe… Jaffe St.
LUCY
So, Louisiana.
STEVE
On Jaffe St.
LUCY
Background in voodoo?
STEVE
Amongst other things… she’s trained in divination… alchemy…
according to her ad, she can identify any hex by its root magic and
can assign a cure that will not only remove it, but will act as a
future preventative… so… that’s useful.
And while she says she doesn’t practice necromancy, she is
familiar with its ways and means. And she knows the director of the
administrating body of Necromancy at Miskatonik Uni.
[DOUBLE BEAT]
LUCY
You certainly did your research.
STEVE
We’re not going to take the preciouses to some common charlatan or
street-side mountebank.
LUCY
Mmm.
[BEAT]
STEVE
So… I have been, in my spare time, doing a bit of wandering…
…a walk-about, if you will.
[DOUBLE BEAT]
LUCY
I’m sorry– did that… require a response? Was it a question?
STEVE
And in my travels, I encountered…
[HALF-BEAT]
…a street sign that I found quite interesting…
[¼ BEAT]
Do we know what an “o’cove” is?
[BEAT]
LUCY
O’cove?
STEVE
Yes. I saw a street sign that read Flaming O’cove. I thought it
sounded quite dramatic.
LUCY
Flaming O’cove.
STEVE
I know, right? What does it mean?
[DOUBLE BEAT]
LUCY
This Flaming O’cove… was it followed by the Dov E’cove? Or,
perhaps the Quai L’cove?
[DOUBLE BEAT]
STEVE
didn’t
notice.
[BEAT]
[SFX: TAPS ON KEYBOARD]
LUCY
These… are streets. They’re… three blocks north of us. What
you saw was a street sign. For Flamingo… Cove.
[BEAT]
There’s a Quail Cove… an Oriole Cove… a Meadowlark Lemon… a
Cardinal Cove… they are all streets.
[HALF-BEAT]
No “o’cove”. Not a thing.
[HALF-BEAT]
We can edit this out if you want…
[BEAT]
STEVE
What about Scar Ave? That’s kind of morbid. Right?
[DOUBLE BEAT]
LUCY
South. South Carr.
[DOUBLE BEAT]
STEVE
And it looks like that’s the end…
END MUSIC CUTS IN ABRUBTLY; NO FADE
…of this postcard, so thanks everyone for joining in!
[HALF-BEAT]
Please subscribe… rate us on iTunes… and, uh… join us next
month, where we’ll…. catch you up on…
[INDRAWN SIGH]
…on what we’re doing, what’s going…
… and we’ll see you next month… or something. Ok, thanks.
[HALF-BEAT]
LUCY
Really? That’s what it took to put you off? A misread sign?
[OFF MIC]
In this town?
END
Music, credits…
